It really hasn't hit me yet that school is over. I suppose it could be because I've still got exams but...
And I managed not to cry at the graduation assembly yesterday! Ok, my eyes watered a little and my lip trembled once but that was only because our year advisor was crying while trying to read her speech. People crying makes me cry for some reason. When it does hit me I'm probably going to bawl into my pillow all night but meh.
18th birthday party to go to tomorrow night, I'm rather apprehensive because most of the people going I used to be friends with until I got fed up with their attitude towards me. They were bitches and jumped down my throat every time I tried to say something. All they could think about was wanting to be popular and I...hated the idea of popularity, I hated the idea of being a sheep like the masses. I wear the clothes that I like and have trouble seeing what people like about the clothes that are in fashion, most of the time I think the clothes are horrid. My former friends never invited me to anything and started calling me emo when I was 13-14 because I wore black and was depressed. I was not and am not emo. I fucking hate emo music. They stopped inviting me to things they were going to and I got fed up and hung out with some other girls in my year. Once we got to know each other they all liked me for me. Blah, blah, story with a happy ending...not so much...I'm still depressed and hateful and people in the streets still call me emo. Like fuck, know what you're talking about before you call someone names, philistines! People really piss me off because I have been ridiculed my entire life. I was the fat kid that everyone picked on. Thanks guys for the low self esteem! Now I'm almost an adult, lost a significant amount of weight but still feel like a fat ugly cow because you ruined my self worth before I even started school. Sticks and stone may break my bones but words can leave permanent mental scaring. Wonderful.
Anyhoo, rant over (I think), back to the party. I'm going to feel awkward because I'll only be friends with maybe three of the people there and they're far less socially inept than me. I have perfected the art of the evil looking wall flower. Hoorah.
I came upon this randomly when I was checking to see if a link that showed up in my email was legit or not. It wasn't.
ReplyDeleteI read some of the stuff in your blog. I won't say that I agree with a lot of it. You're probably not half as ugly, retarded, socially unaware, or unattractive as you think you are, but it's those very thoughts that will force people into thinking so. I'm sure that, beneath this little thing you've got going for you here, you'll realize that this is not what's meant for you.
You don't need anyone else for your self worth, your sense of love, your sense of accomplishment, or any of that. You only need yourself, your pride, and your motivation, to make any of that real. People in high school are just that. Little phases that will only last and not many of them will carry that into their permanent adult lives. I found that, in my situation, the more I fought against the social norms and the more I fought for righteousness in my school, the more I was hammered down, the more I stuck out, the more I was... destroyed, in a sense. It nearly ruined me.
Even though I still have my troubles, I've largely moved on from that and realized the only person I can truly depend on and fight for is myself. How about you? Let's see you strive for happiness... hate to sound like some optimistic schmuck, but "shoot for the stars, because even if you might not touch them, at least you'll reach the sky"!